Blessed, Grateful, and all that other stuff...

As I sit here in my quiet house and reflect on the past 48 hours, I am in awe of the amazing forces working in my life that have made my current state of blissful peace possible.I've said thank you in person, I've posted pictures and whatnot on Facebook and Instagram, but it's not enough. It seems to pale in comparison to what was given to me this weekend.

Here's a little backstory, in case you haven't been inundated with my Facebook posts...:

I'm married to a Chef Jason Rivas; an amazing chef, husband, and father! He was offered an incredible opportunity to stage (chef internship) at Atelier Crenn for 4 weeks. In order to say yes, he had to leave everything he has worked for for 20+ years and run towards what he has prayed for even longer. I support him and am incredibly proud of him :)

All that being said, that leaves me to parent my four children through the last four weeks of the school year on my own and without his income. So I should be stressed, right? Freaking out a bit maybe? Losing my mind? Nope. I'm chill. Don't get me wrong, my new Ketogenic lifestyle (more on that here) has helped me manage my stress level immensely, but that is not all. 

I have a support system that you would not believe! Seriously, I have a hard time believing it, so why should you? Where to start... Well, I have my God, my faith, and he is my rock through all things. He has blessed me with this network that I trust can carry me and my family through ANYTHING! This network came together this weekend and gave me the most rest and relaxation I have ever experienced as a mom. Yes, a half marathon weekend is relaxing for me, I am weird...

My moms are supportive beyond belief. They have contributed time watching the children, money for incidentals, advice for these huge decisions, and plenty of faith and prayer to help get us all through. SO this weekend was no exception. They picked my boys up on Friday and allowed me the peace of mind, that not only would they be safe and cared for but, that they would have a fun-filled weekend.

Katie picked up my daughter, Jalie, and took her on an amazing Girl Scout adventure. Jalie worked so hard during cookie season to earn that trip to Great Wolf lodge, but didn't quite make it. Katie's girls did and wanted to use their extra ticket to give Jalie an amazing weekend as well :)

Tawn picked me up, drove all the way to SD and drove our whole crew to bib pickup Friday and the race on Saturday! Jarrod drove us back from the race, because who wants to walk almost two miles after running 13.1???? And Andrea then picked me up and took me to the pool. But she did so much more!!!!!

After the race on Saturday, Andrea and her husband rented us a cabana by the pool at their gorgeous resort, and provided food and drink for over a dozen people, half of whom that had either never met or only met once. It was the perfect San Diego afternoon! Great conversation, company, and margaritas. Who could ask for more? Their hospitality had no bounds and all of us had a heavenly post-race celebration.

And last, but most definitely not least, my dojo family! Yes, I said family, because that is truly what they are to me. When Jaxon started at Yamashita Karate three and a half years ago, I had no idea what an impact it would have on our little Rivas clan. Alex, Dana, and David have become family to all six of us. This weekend they provided me with a place to stay in SD, amazing food, great company, total hospitality (especially since I forgot, well, everything but my clothes...). I could not have asked for a better weekend.

So here I am: calm, relaxed, and truly at peace! My heart is full and my mind will relish the memories created this weekend for many years to come <3 A thousand times thank you!!!!!

Francie, Tawn, Me, Andrea

Alex, Dana, Me, David headed to the race!

I earned the crap out of this :)

Just some of the amazing views on the course

Chillin' w/Alex, and Dana's toes :)

Not cured, just #better

For the first time in my 40 years of life (yes, I am 40 now), I am not worried. I am not stressed. I am okay. Am I cured? Do I no longer have PTSD or Anxiety disorder? No. But I have found a way to be better:

I sleep better

I eat better

I play better

I think better

I feel better

I workout better

I look better (not gonna lie)

And, get this, it was easy! Yeah, I know. I probably lost 75% of you right there. The other 25% still reading are probably related to me. 

Nothing that is worth it is easy, right? Wrong! This is easy. It is native. It is how we came into this world.

It is Ketosis. 

Fancy word, huh? Heard of it? Heard that it's hard? Excruciating even? Yeah, I know, you could never give up so much. Why live life feeling deprived? Besides, can how you eat really change you all that much? It's just food...

Yes. Yes, it can, and I can Prüvit. I do not feel deprived. I do not feel like I am missing out. I can eat what I want because I now only want what I can eat! My tastes have changed. My cravings have changed. My habits have changed. And guess how long this transformation took. A year? 6 months? 30 days? Nope 👎🏽 

FIVE DAYS

Yes, you read that right. I changed my life in all of the above ways in 5 days, less than a week. Don't believe me? Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and/or Instagram. It's documented there. I Prüvit. Every. Single. Day. So do my kids. Yup, that's right, this is so safe my kids do it! 

So how did I do it? I started with a 5-day experience. Intrigued? Wanna learn more? Even if you're only goal is to prove me wrong, just watch this video. Then you can even do some research if ya like. There are medical studies on Ketosis and the benefits of Ketones all over. Or you could just try it? 5 days. That's it. Give it 5 days and see how you are #better!

Click here for the video

Why your vote will affect us much longer than 4 years...

I read an interesting article today. It was not unbiased, even though the author purported it to be, so I will not share it (though I posted credit to the author at the bottom of this). However, I agree with the main sentiment, this President's Supreme Court appointments will affect our future much longer than the president him or herself will. I especially agree with this quote from the article:

"...you must understand that “the lesser of two evils” is the only choice you’ve ever had in any election in which you’ve ever voted in your life! Jesus has never run for office. That leaves only the rest of us—you and me—well-meaning, good-hearted people who, despite our best intentions, have still managed to lie, cheat, and say things out loud for which we remain grateful to this day that no one recorded during what we thought was a private conversation."

I'm not perfect. Neither are you or the candidates or any candidate we will ever vote for... So let us focus on something more important:

Based on the current statistics of the Supreme Court, the next President could appoint as many as 4 Supreme Court judges, resulting in a possibility of 8-1 or 7-2 rulings, depending on the party voted into office. This election will decide the type of America we live in for our lifetimes, our children's lifetimes, and possibly that of our children's children...

"This coming Tuesday, November 8, 2016, you and I will choose which of two people will become president. Soon after being inaugurated, that person will begin the process of selecting the person who will fill the vacant seat on the Supreme Court—the one who will tip the scales one way or the other. Laws will be upheld or overturned. New laws will be imposed or not. In either case, the way you are allowed to live will soon be determined by the Supreme Court. The court’s majority will be determined by the new president. But one thing is certain: after Tuesday, you will have no more say in the matter."

Bottom line? Please vote tomorrow and understand that this vote will affect us for far longer than 4 years...

-credit to Andy Andrews for quoted selections from article "Andrews: Trump or Clinton will be President. Here’s how to decide who to vote for."

But I don't wanna!!!!!!

My nursing journey is coming to an end :( 4 kids and over 9 years.... I'm sad. My husband doesn't quite understand but is extremely supportive. My heart is breaking. I know this is the beginning of a new chapter, not just the end of one. I know that my identity is not solely defined by growing a child in my belly or nurturing one at my bosom (yes, I said bosom, you may giggle). But I have either been trying to get pregnant, pregnant or nursing for over 10 years now. How do I not let that define me? How do I not feel like a part of me is dying? How do I completely let go of my dream of 6 children, at least one more girl? How do I start this new chapter when I don't feel ready to close the last one?

I can hear the answers in my head, perhaps what others would say or maybe just my paranoia and tendency towards personal harsh judgement: "Six kids? Are you nuts???" "Can't you be happy with what you have?" "Aren't you overwhelmed and frazzled already?" I have answers: yes, yes, and yes....but... I cannot explain it except to say that the heart wants what the heart wants. I have prayed and continue to pray for His guidance and to let it be His will not mine. But...

I need to lose the but. Not the butt, that is another post entirely. I need to move on, for my sake and my family's. I need to embrace this new chapter, this new beginning. I have so much to look forward to. My children are becoming more independent each day. I am only a year or so away from no more diapers. J1 and I have more time together with 3 kids in school a full day 2 days a week. I can go full force at the gym without worrying about the effects on a possible fetus or nursing baby completely dependent on me for sustenance. We are able to do more in general as naps are getting shorter and not as many supplies are necessary for an outing. One day soon I won't even have to buckle anyone in (assuming J6 figures it out at 2 like J3 did). And we are about 2 years away from a no-stroller existence. We are even heading towards a time when all 4 kids will actually be in school.

All these positives to look forward to but I seem to be multiplying them all by -1 (yes, I'm a nerd). I'm open to any and all suggestions on how to remove that multiplier, how to accept my life as it is now, how to "move on." Anyone?... Anyone?... Bueller???

Pregnancy is not Glamorous...

And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying! Trust me, I’ve done this quite a few times. People tell me I’m glowing, that I look cute and not fat, etc. But no matter what people say, somedays (okay, a lot of days) I feel like the frumpiest creature alive! Jason tells me to let it go and just enjoy the pregnancy. After all it is our last. I’m trying, truly I am. And I am aware of how blessed we are and how far we’ve come from when I was pregnant with Jaxon in the mountains of Western Virginia, crying on a daily basis and losing my mind, but...

I’m not sure how to explain what I feel to anyone who has never been pregnant. I do not feel beautiful. I do not have the energy most days to try and make myself look beautiful. I don’t want to invest any more money on beautiful maternity clothes since this is the last time I’ll need them. So most days I throw on whatever is clean and covers my belly, throw my hair into a bun/ponytail/etc, moisturize (cannot afford to skip that), and I’m done. Its what I can manage right now. But every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I do not recognize that reflection: she looks tired, run down, and bloated, not to mention the size of Mac truck from the side...

I said this pregnancy would be different: I would exercise, watch what I ate, gain no more than 20 lbs., and rejoice in my final prenatal foray! Well, I have two gym memberships and am lucky to make it to Aqua class twice a week; most days I don’t even know what I’ve eaten; and rejoicing usually slips my mind. 

Logically, I know that raising 3 kids under 8, managing our household finances, and getting my MBA while pregnant does not leave much room for ANYTHING else. So why do I still feel like I should be doing more? Why do I feel like I’m losing out on this final journey? Who stole my joy??? More importantly: How the hell do I get it back, and fast!!!!????

I have, at most, 109 days of pregnancy left. That’s it. I will never have this opportunity again. True I won’t have to deal with the uncomfortableness, the heat, the heartburn, bloating, cravings, mood swings, etc. But I will also never feel one of my babies moving around inside me. I will never again be able to protect one of them from EVERYTHING. I will never know the joy that I cannot seem to find right now.

I want to! I want to revel in this, soak it in, flail about in the throws of pregnancy. But right now it takes me almost 5 minutes just to get off the couch...

Our first trip to Mulligans since they added the water slides! It was really fun to watch the kids play, but man did I want to join them :)

The next day we broke in the new slip n' slide. Well, Jason and the kids broke it in, I took pictures...

Disney Baby Einstein Caterpillar And Friends Play Gym

Just when I thought I was safe...

I received a letter in the mail last week saying that I was eligible for a PDBR. The military loves its acronyms. What that means is they will review my medical discharge from 9 1/2 years ago and make sure it was fair. And if they find it unfair they increase my rating and possibly medically retire me retroactively. This means more money monthly, backpay, and free healthcare for my husband and all the kids! Sounds good, huh? I thought so! I sat down last night and did all the research and filled out all the paperwork. 

This morning, I decided I only have one shot at this so I’d better give it all I got: I decided to write a personal statement to go with my application. Seemed like a good idea at the time. So when I got home from the gym I sat down and started writing...

It was words on a screen, but the affect was that of a time machine. All of a sudden I was back in Seattle, then SanDiego, then Damneck, then Norfolk and I was feeling everything again: the panic, the anxiety, the depression. Emotions compounded by the hormones of pregnancy...

It sickens me that I’m still this affected. I go through so many days convincing myself that I’m over it, that I’m strong and it’s all in the past. Then something happens and I realize it’s all a giant crock of...well, you know. I have PTSD and that doesn’t go away...EVER!!!

Yes, I have learned to cope. Most days I’m even quite happy. The attacks being spaced out, though, is both a blessing and a curse. It has lulled me into a false sense of security, so much so that the onset of one, again coupled with pregnancy hormones, literally floors me. I’m reduced to a crumpled and crying mess on the floor of the shower. Not a good place to be when Jason has to leave for work in 15 minutes and I have 2 of my 3 kids to take care of and grocery shopping to do and a paper to write for my next class.

So what do I do when I finally recover from this attack? How do I go on with my life and be happy without falling back into the false sense of security? What is the answer to living with PTSD without allowing it to ruin everything?

I have no answers. I have no clue where to go from here. All I can do is count my blessings and praise God for my family, especially my amazing and supportive husband. Oh, and keep unraveling....

Thorns...

I feel betrayed, lied to, and disappointed. And not for the reasons you would think. We have received amazing and tremendous support, encouragement, and prayers from most of our friends and our church. But there have been those with “I told you so” on the tips of their tongues. There have been Monday morning quarterbacks saying we should have waited longer, maybe it wasn’t a good idea, this is God’s way of telling us we made the wrong decision, etc. I’ve even actually been told I have nothing to be sad about….

And as hurtful as these comments are (and trust me they hurt like a bitch!) the worst part is these comments lead me to believe that all the support we felt from these people before we miscarried was fake. As if while they said “Congratulations” out loud, under their breaths they murmured things like “not a good idea” or “this will end badly.” I feel as if they were all placating us. And I hate to be placated, ask my husband.

In my head I know that the only opinions that matter are mine and Jason’s. The only one’s making the decision of what next are Jason and I, with God’s help and guidance. But people are born with the innate desire for their families support and approval. It hurts not to have it, and it hurts even more to think that I never had it, that it was mere placation…

I read a story yesterday about being thankful even for our thorns, not only the roses in our life. I’ve thought a lot about that story. I’m beginning to identify more thorns and trying to be thankful for them: for what they teach us and for what they make us appreciate. These thorns certainly hurt and they have made us rethink what we share with people, what types of reactions and comments we prefer to avoid, and who we can truly count on in both a sad situation as well as a joyous one. In the meantime, I pray that I am able to let the hurt go, work through the grief, and begin to heal.

As for what’s next: well, there are tests to be done, doctors to talk to, and a LOT of praying to be done before anything can be decided. But now, even when it has all been figured out, I’m not sure who we will share that with…