I feel betrayed, lied to, and disappointed. And not for the reasons you would think. We have received amazing and tremendous support, encouragement, and prayers from most of our friends and our church. But there have been those with “I told you so” on the tips of their tongues. There have been Monday morning quarterbacks saying we should have waited longer, maybe it wasn’t a good idea, this is God’s way of telling us we made the wrong decision, etc. I’ve even actually been told I have nothing to be sad about….
And as hurtful as these comments are (and trust me they hurt like a bitch!) the worst part is these comments lead me to believe that all the support we felt from these people before we miscarried was fake. As if while they said “Congratulations” out loud, under their breaths they murmured things like “not a good idea” or “this will end badly.” I feel as if they were all placating us. And I hate to be placated, ask my husband.
In my head I know that the only opinions that matter are mine and Jason’s. The only one’s making the decision of what next are Jason and I, with God’s help and guidance. But people are born with the innate desire for their families support and approval. It hurts not to have it, and it hurts even more to think that I never had it, that it was mere placation…
I read a story yesterday about being thankful even for our thorns, not only the roses in our life. I’ve thought a lot about that story. I’m beginning to identify more thorns and trying to be thankful for them: for what they teach us and for what they make us appreciate. These thorns certainly hurt and they have made us rethink what we share with people, what types of reactions and comments we prefer to avoid, and who we can truly count on in both a sad situation as well as a joyous one. In the meantime, I pray that I am able to let the hurt go, work through the grief, and begin to heal.
As for what’s next: well, there are tests to be done, doctors to talk to, and a LOT of praying to be done before anything can be decided. But now, even when it has all been figured out, I’m not sure who we will share that with…
