Blessed, Grateful, and all that other stuff...

As I sit here in my quiet house and reflect on the past 48 hours, I am in awe of the amazing forces working in my life that have made my current state of blissful peace possible.I've said thank you in person, I've posted pictures and whatnot on Facebook and Instagram, but it's not enough. It seems to pale in comparison to what was given to me this weekend.

Here's a little backstory, in case you haven't been inundated with my Facebook posts...:

I'm married to a Chef Jason Rivas; an amazing chef, husband, and father! He was offered an incredible opportunity to stage (chef internship) at Atelier Crenn for 4 weeks. In order to say yes, he had to leave everything he has worked for for 20+ years and run towards what he has prayed for even longer. I support him and am incredibly proud of him :)

All that being said, that leaves me to parent my four children through the last four weeks of the school year on my own and without his income. So I should be stressed, right? Freaking out a bit maybe? Losing my mind? Nope. I'm chill. Don't get me wrong, my new Ketogenic lifestyle (more on that here) has helped me manage my stress level immensely, but that is not all. 

I have a support system that you would not believe! Seriously, I have a hard time believing it, so why should you? Where to start... Well, I have my God, my faith, and he is my rock through all things. He has blessed me with this network that I trust can carry me and my family through ANYTHING! This network came together this weekend and gave me the most rest and relaxation I have ever experienced as a mom. Yes, a half marathon weekend is relaxing for me, I am weird...

My moms are supportive beyond belief. They have contributed time watching the children, money for incidentals, advice for these huge decisions, and plenty of faith and prayer to help get us all through. SO this weekend was no exception. They picked my boys up on Friday and allowed me the peace of mind, that not only would they be safe and cared for but, that they would have a fun-filled weekend.

Katie picked up my daughter, Jalie, and took her on an amazing Girl Scout adventure. Jalie worked so hard during cookie season to earn that trip to Great Wolf lodge, but didn't quite make it. Katie's girls did and wanted to use their extra ticket to give Jalie an amazing weekend as well :)

Tawn picked me up, drove all the way to SD and drove our whole crew to bib pickup Friday and the race on Saturday! Jarrod drove us back from the race, because who wants to walk almost two miles after running 13.1???? And Andrea then picked me up and took me to the pool. But she did so much more!!!!!

After the race on Saturday, Andrea and her husband rented us a cabana by the pool at their gorgeous resort, and provided food and drink for over a dozen people, half of whom that had either never met or only met once. It was the perfect San Diego afternoon! Great conversation, company, and margaritas. Who could ask for more? Their hospitality had no bounds and all of us had a heavenly post-race celebration.

And last, but most definitely not least, my dojo family! Yes, I said family, because that is truly what they are to me. When Jaxon started at Yamashita Karate three and a half years ago, I had no idea what an impact it would have on our little Rivas clan. Alex, Dana, and David have become family to all six of us. This weekend they provided me with a place to stay in SD, amazing food, great company, total hospitality (especially since I forgot, well, everything but my clothes...). I could not have asked for a better weekend.

So here I am: calm, relaxed, and truly at peace! My heart is full and my mind will relish the memories created this weekend for many years to come <3 A thousand times thank you!!!!!

Francie, Tawn, Me, Andrea

Alex, Dana, Me, David headed to the race!

I earned the crap out of this :)

Just some of the amazing views on the course

Chillin' w/Alex, and Dana's toes :)

Thorns...

I feel betrayed, lied to, and disappointed. And not for the reasons you would think. We have received amazing and tremendous support, encouragement, and prayers from most of our friends and our church. But there have been those with “I told you so” on the tips of their tongues. There have been Monday morning quarterbacks saying we should have waited longer, maybe it wasn’t a good idea, this is God’s way of telling us we made the wrong decision, etc. I’ve even actually been told I have nothing to be sad about….

And as hurtful as these comments are (and trust me they hurt like a bitch!) the worst part is these comments lead me to believe that all the support we felt from these people before we miscarried was fake. As if while they said “Congratulations” out loud, under their breaths they murmured things like “not a good idea” or “this will end badly.” I feel as if they were all placating us. And I hate to be placated, ask my husband.

In my head I know that the only opinions that matter are mine and Jason’s. The only one’s making the decision of what next are Jason and I, with God’s help and guidance. But people are born with the innate desire for their families support and approval. It hurts not to have it, and it hurts even more to think that I never had it, that it was mere placation…

I read a story yesterday about being thankful even for our thorns, not only the roses in our life. I’ve thought a lot about that story. I’m beginning to identify more thorns and trying to be thankful for them: for what they teach us and for what they make us appreciate. These thorns certainly hurt and they have made us rethink what we share with people, what types of reactions and comments we prefer to avoid, and who we can truly count on in both a sad situation as well as a joyous one. In the meantime, I pray that I am able to let the hurt go, work through the grief, and begin to heal.

As for what’s next: well, there are tests to be done, doctors to talk to, and a LOT of praying to be done before anything can be decided. But now, even when it has all been figured out, I’m not sure who we will share that with…