Blessed, Grateful, and all that other stuff...

As I sit here in my quiet house and reflect on the past 48 hours, I am in awe of the amazing forces working in my life that have made my current state of blissful peace possible.I've said thank you in person, I've posted pictures and whatnot on Facebook and Instagram, but it's not enough. It seems to pale in comparison to what was given to me this weekend.

Here's a little backstory, in case you haven't been inundated with my Facebook posts...:

I'm married to a Chef Jason Rivas; an amazing chef, husband, and father! He was offered an incredible opportunity to stage (chef internship) at Atelier Crenn for 4 weeks. In order to say yes, he had to leave everything he has worked for for 20+ years and run towards what he has prayed for even longer. I support him and am incredibly proud of him :)

All that being said, that leaves me to parent my four children through the last four weeks of the school year on my own and without his income. So I should be stressed, right? Freaking out a bit maybe? Losing my mind? Nope. I'm chill. Don't get me wrong, my new Ketogenic lifestyle (more on that here) has helped me manage my stress level immensely, but that is not all. 

I have a support system that you would not believe! Seriously, I have a hard time believing it, so why should you? Where to start... Well, I have my God, my faith, and he is my rock through all things. He has blessed me with this network that I trust can carry me and my family through ANYTHING! This network came together this weekend and gave me the most rest and relaxation I have ever experienced as a mom. Yes, a half marathon weekend is relaxing for me, I am weird...

My moms are supportive beyond belief. They have contributed time watching the children, money for incidentals, advice for these huge decisions, and plenty of faith and prayer to help get us all through. SO this weekend was no exception. They picked my boys up on Friday and allowed me the peace of mind, that not only would they be safe and cared for but, that they would have a fun-filled weekend.

Katie picked up my daughter, Jalie, and took her on an amazing Girl Scout adventure. Jalie worked so hard during cookie season to earn that trip to Great Wolf lodge, but didn't quite make it. Katie's girls did and wanted to use their extra ticket to give Jalie an amazing weekend as well :)

Tawn picked me up, drove all the way to SD and drove our whole crew to bib pickup Friday and the race on Saturday! Jarrod drove us back from the race, because who wants to walk almost two miles after running 13.1???? And Andrea then picked me up and took me to the pool. But she did so much more!!!!!

After the race on Saturday, Andrea and her husband rented us a cabana by the pool at their gorgeous resort, and provided food and drink for over a dozen people, half of whom that had either never met or only met once. It was the perfect San Diego afternoon! Great conversation, company, and margaritas. Who could ask for more? Their hospitality had no bounds and all of us had a heavenly post-race celebration.

And last, but most definitely not least, my dojo family! Yes, I said family, because that is truly what they are to me. When Jaxon started at Yamashita Karate three and a half years ago, I had no idea what an impact it would have on our little Rivas clan. Alex, Dana, and David have become family to all six of us. This weekend they provided me with a place to stay in SD, amazing food, great company, total hospitality (especially since I forgot, well, everything but my clothes...). I could not have asked for a better weekend.

So here I am: calm, relaxed, and truly at peace! My heart is full and my mind will relish the memories created this weekend for many years to come <3 A thousand times thank you!!!!!

Francie, Tawn, Me, Andrea

Alex, Dana, Me, David headed to the race!

I earned the crap out of this :)

Just some of the amazing views on the course

Chillin' w/Alex, and Dana's toes :)

But I don't wanna!!!!!!

My nursing journey is coming to an end :( 4 kids and over 9 years.... I'm sad. My husband doesn't quite understand but is extremely supportive. My heart is breaking. I know this is the beginning of a new chapter, not just the end of one. I know that my identity is not solely defined by growing a child in my belly or nurturing one at my bosom (yes, I said bosom, you may giggle). But I have either been trying to get pregnant, pregnant or nursing for over 10 years now. How do I not let that define me? How do I not feel like a part of me is dying? How do I completely let go of my dream of 6 children, at least one more girl? How do I start this new chapter when I don't feel ready to close the last one?

I can hear the answers in my head, perhaps what others would say or maybe just my paranoia and tendency towards personal harsh judgement: "Six kids? Are you nuts???" "Can't you be happy with what you have?" "Aren't you overwhelmed and frazzled already?" I have answers: yes, yes, and yes....but... I cannot explain it except to say that the heart wants what the heart wants. I have prayed and continue to pray for His guidance and to let it be His will not mine. But...

I need to lose the but. Not the butt, that is another post entirely. I need to move on, for my sake and my family's. I need to embrace this new chapter, this new beginning. I have so much to look forward to. My children are becoming more independent each day. I am only a year or so away from no more diapers. J1 and I have more time together with 3 kids in school a full day 2 days a week. I can go full force at the gym without worrying about the effects on a possible fetus or nursing baby completely dependent on me for sustenance. We are able to do more in general as naps are getting shorter and not as many supplies are necessary for an outing. One day soon I won't even have to buckle anyone in (assuming J6 figures it out at 2 like J3 did). And we are about 2 years away from a no-stroller existence. We are even heading towards a time when all 4 kids will actually be in school.

All these positives to look forward to but I seem to be multiplying them all by -1 (yes, I'm a nerd). I'm open to any and all suggestions on how to remove that multiplier, how to accept my life as it is now, how to "move on." Anyone?... Anyone?... Bueller???