But I don't wanna!!!!!!

My nursing journey is coming to an end :( 4 kids and over 9 years.... I'm sad. My husband doesn't quite understand but is extremely supportive. My heart is breaking. I know this is the beginning of a new chapter, not just the end of one. I know that my identity is not solely defined by growing a child in my belly or nurturing one at my bosom (yes, I said bosom, you may giggle). But I have either been trying to get pregnant, pregnant or nursing for over 10 years now. How do I not let that define me? How do I not feel like a part of me is dying? How do I completely let go of my dream of 6 children, at least one more girl? How do I start this new chapter when I don't feel ready to close the last one?

I can hear the answers in my head, perhaps what others would say or maybe just my paranoia and tendency towards personal harsh judgement: "Six kids? Are you nuts???" "Can't you be happy with what you have?" "Aren't you overwhelmed and frazzled already?" I have answers: yes, yes, and yes....but... I cannot explain it except to say that the heart wants what the heart wants. I have prayed and continue to pray for His guidance and to let it be His will not mine. But...

I need to lose the but. Not the butt, that is another post entirely. I need to move on, for my sake and my family's. I need to embrace this new chapter, this new beginning. I have so much to look forward to. My children are becoming more independent each day. I am only a year or so away from no more diapers. J1 and I have more time together with 3 kids in school a full day 2 days a week. I can go full force at the gym without worrying about the effects on a possible fetus or nursing baby completely dependent on me for sustenance. We are able to do more in general as naps are getting shorter and not as many supplies are necessary for an outing. One day soon I won't even have to buckle anyone in (assuming J6 figures it out at 2 like J3 did). And we are about 2 years away from a no-stroller existence. We are even heading towards a time when all 4 kids will actually be in school.

All these positives to look forward to but I seem to be multiplying them all by -1 (yes, I'm a nerd). I'm open to any and all suggestions on how to remove that multiplier, how to accept my life as it is now, how to "move on." Anyone?... Anyone?... Bueller???