Unraveling: Pregnancy is not Glamorous...

And anyone who tells you otherwise is lying! Trust me, I’ve done this quite a few times. People tell me I’m glowing, that I look cute and not fat, etc. But no matter what people say, somedays (okay, a lot of days) I feel like the frumpiest creature alive! Jason tells me to let it go and just enjoy the pregnancy. After all it is our last. I’m trying, truly I am. And I am aware of how blessed we are and how far we’ve come from when I was pregnant with Jaxon in the mountains of Western Virginia, crying on a daily basis and losing my mind, but...

I’m not sure how to explain what I feel to anyone who has never been pregnant. I do not feel beautiful. I do not have the energy most days to try and make myself look beautiful. I don’t want to invest any more money on beautiful maternity clothes since this is the last time I’ll need them. So most days I throw on whatever is clean and covers my belly, throw my hair into a bun/ponytail/etc, moisturize (cannot afford to skip that), and I’m done. Its what I can manage right now. But every time I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I do not recognize that reflection: she looks tired, run down, and bloated, not to mention the size of Mac truck from the side...

I said this pregnancy would be different: I would exercise, watch what I ate, gain no more than 20 lbs., and rejoice in my final prenatal foray! Well, I have two gym memberships and am lucky to make it to Aqua class twice a week; most days I don’t even know what I’ve eaten; and rejoicing usually slips my mind.

Logically, I know that raising 3 kids under 8, managing our household finances, and getting my MBA while pregnant does not leave much room for ANYTHING else. So why do I still feel like I should be doing more? Why do I feel like I’m losing out on this final journey? Who stole my joy??? More importantly: How the hell do I get it back, and fast!!!!????

I have, at most, 109 days of pregnancy left. That’s it. I will never have this opportunity again. True I won’t have to deal with the uncomfortableness, the heat, the heartburn, bloating, cravings, mood swings, etc. But I will also never feel one of my babies moving around inside me. I will never again be able to protect one of them from EVERYTHING. I will never know the joy that I cannot seem to find right now.

I want to! I want to revel in this, soak it in, flail about in the throws of pregnancy. But right now it takes me almost 5 minutes just to get off the couch...