Just when I thought I was safe...

I received a letter in the mail last week saying that I was eligible for a PDBR. The military loves its acronyms. What that means is they will review my medical discharge from 9 1/2 years ago and make sure it was fair. And if they find it unfair they increase my rating and possibly medically retire me retroactively. This means more money monthly, backpay, and free healthcare for my husband and all the kids! Sounds good, huh? I thought so! I sat down last night and did all the research and filled out all the paperwork. 

This morning, I decided I only have one shot at this so I’d better give it all I got: I decided to write a personal statement to go with my application. Seemed like a good idea at the time. So when I got home from the gym I sat down and started writing...

It was words on a screen, but the affect was that of a time machine. All of a sudden I was back in Seattle, then SanDiego, then Damneck, then Norfolk and I was feeling everything again: the panic, the anxiety, the depression. Emotions compounded by the hormones of pregnancy...

It sickens me that I’m still this affected. I go through so many days convincing myself that I’m over it, that I’m strong and it’s all in the past. Then something happens and I realize it’s all a giant crock of...well, you know. I have PTSD and that doesn’t go away...EVER!!!

Yes, I have learned to cope. Most days I’m even quite happy. The attacks being spaced out, though, is both a blessing and a curse. It has lulled me into a false sense of security, so much so that the onset of one, again coupled with pregnancy hormones, literally floors me. I’m reduced to a crumpled and crying mess on the floor of the shower. Not a good place to be when Jason has to leave for work in 15 minutes and I have 2 of my 3 kids to take care of and grocery shopping to do and a paper to write for my next class.

So what do I do when I finally recover from this attack? How do I go on with my life and be happy without falling back into the false sense of security? What is the answer to living with PTSD without allowing it to ruin everything?

I have no answers. I have no clue where to go from here. All I can do is count my blessings and praise God for my family, especially my amazing and supportive husband. Oh, and keep unraveling....